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Medical doctors usually don’t have the luxury of being able to pick and choose their patients. As a result, they often end up meeting a wide variety of people on a daily basis. This doesn’t just mean creating a whole spectrum of different ailments and symptoms or meeting people of different walks of life. To put it bluntly: some patients just aren’t going to be as smart as others. Without violating doctor-patient confidentiality, it must be difficult for doctors to resist telling the most hilariously absurd stories of clueless or ignorant patients. Here are just some Redditors’ stories of the dumbest patients that doctors and other medical professionals ever met! 1. “Just because it says ‘contains vegetable extracts’ on the side of it, a can of coke does not count as one of your five a day.”—TJWasps Rundvald / Wikimedia Commons Come on, buddy, did you really think there was anything remotely healthy about soda? 2. “Have had to inform a few male patients that the condom only goes on the shaft and should not be pulled down to include coverage of the testicles.”—Mr_TedBundy trec_lit / Flickr Besides being stupid, that sounds incredibly painful! 3. “After putting a few stitches in a middle-aged guy’s scalp, the family asked if he was OK. The attending joked that his brain was still inside. The family were stunned by this news. I, the medical student, spent the next half hour informing the family that the brain was inside the skull and that a person couldn’t live without one.”—Jrj84105 Allan Ajifo / Wikimedia Commons “They thought that the ‘brain’ was just a turn of phrase to reflect a person’s common sense rather than an actual organ. Sort of the same as what they thought about the ‘heart.'” 4. “My dad is a family doctor in the states. A woman came in for a well baby check with her 6-month-old and she had what looked like chocolate milk in the baby’s bottle.”—Skichester breastfeedingbasics.com “So he started explaining to her as kindly as he could that she shouldn’t be giving her baby chocolate milk at which point she interrupts him and says ‘oh that isn’t chocolate milk. It’s coffee! He just loves it!'” 5. “Pediatric nurse here. I’ve told more than one parent that their infant should not be drinking Dr. Pepper out of their bottle (or any other vessel for that matter).”—MrsScurt Mike Mozart / Flickr Perhaps this woman was bottle-fed Dr. Pepper as a baby herself! 7. “I’m a veterinary technician. I once had to explain to a frantic client that the ticks she had frantically been trying to remove from her male dog’s belly with tweezers were actually his nipples. I also told her she had an extremely well behaved, patient dog.”—WhiteDiabla Oakley Originals / Flickr She must have thought that those were some stubborn ticks! 8. “Another vet here… Dead bodies decompose! If you leave your dead dog I euthanized in the back of your car on the hottest day of the year, don’t come crying to me when its belly fills with putrefying gases and bursts.”—TheBoyTucker Brian Fitzgerald “Demanding I cover the costs of reupholstering your car might be considered a little rude as well.” 9. “A hospital is open 24 hours a day 7 days a week for medical emergencies. So, the next time you have a stroke on a Friday, come in on Friday and don’t wait for the weekend to pass!”—SuperSharpSherpa Wikimedia Commons “No honey, don’t bother calling an ambulance. I wouldn’t want to bother them right when their weekend is about to begin.” 10. “A child can not have inherited any genetic traits from someone the mother has previously been with. Only one man is the biological father.”—I_am_solipsism peopod labs Did somebody really think that he shared DNA with his mother’s exes? 11. “Had a lady measure her baby’s temperature by pre-heating the oven and putting one hand in front of it while the other hand was on the baby’s forehead. She told the nurse her baby’s fever was about 250 degrees.”—jps1023 Flickr As a general rule, babies and ovens do not mix! Credits: boredomtherapy What was the funniest story you ever heard? Let us know below. Share this story on Facebook with your friends.