“My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 pounds of crumbs.”
1.
Have kids so you can listen to miniature versions of yourself cry because you cut up a pancake instead of leaving it big.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) September 12, 2017
2.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it's 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*— Tim (@Playing_Dad) January 3, 2016
3.
Grocery shopping with kids is just saying "put that back!" every 30 seconds until everyone is crying.
— Toni Hammer (@thetonihammer) January 13, 2017
4.
Parenthood is full of surprises. Fix your child's favorite breakfast, yogurt with peaches, and SURPRISE! They now hate yogurt. And peaches.
— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) June 22, 2017
5.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old's lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
— Brian Hope (@Brianhopecomedy) April 15, 2013
6.
4-year-old: Why do you go to work?
Me: They pay me a salary.
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: I don’t even like celery.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 28, 2015
7.
What I say: No fruit snacks for breakfast.
What my toddler hears: EVERYBODY GETS FRUIT SNACKS! pic.twitter.com/9T6tk2VOX8
— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) October 17, 2016
8.
Toddlers are fun if you like being woken up from a dead sleep by someone force-feeding you gummi bears.
— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) September 16, 2017