Michigan prides itself on being home to the famous Motor City: Detroit.
But many know the city (and by default, the state) as a glorified war zone, with shootings at every turn. And even you don’t live in Detroit, you will be sorely out of place without a gun.
Why won’t these people stop smiling at me? Why are they so darned nice? It’s a plot, a plot I tell you!
What do these people want with me, you ask yourself again and again. Must be those heavy clouds bearing down on them. When the sun comes out and the snow reveals vegetation, at last, watch the passive aggressiveness fly.
Feeling fat? Supposedly if you head to Mississippi, it’s said that you’ll likely have the lowest BMI of anyone around.
And don’t try bringing your fancy healthy eating around these parts, okay? Deep fried butter could count as a vegetable if it was fried in vegetable oil. Doughnuts are a whole grain. It’s science, really.
The people of Missouri are known for being nice. REALLY nice. Almost a bit too nice.
They are as loyal to their sports teams as they are to their “good” camo baseball cap.
Do people even live in Montana? Here, the bears are in charge.
They run the economy. In the Winter, though, they tend to sleep in a bit too often.
Known for having cornfields as far as the eyes can see, Nebraska is thought of as one big open field. Its residents seem to be obsessed with the stuff too.
Be sure to get a delicious meal at Runza while you’re there. It might be your only break from the corn.
What is there to say about New Hampshire other than it’s pretty much just everything that wouldn’t fit inside Massachusetts or Connecticut?
Of course, you can enjoy the lack of sales tax and personal income tax. That is until you remember you might have to sell either your soul or your first born to keep your home. But hey, there are pretty leaves in the fall.
They’re loud, they’re proud, and they are desperate to prove to you how Italian they are.
They also don’t play it safe when it comes to hairdos. The more bombastic and pliable with hair gel, the better. Such style goes great with thoroughly-browned fake tan skin from all these they get.
New Mexicans don’t even have day job, obviously. They just spend the day watching the sky for aliens, who definitely frequent the Land of Enchantment.
Don’t forget that every meal has to include the state’s sacred green chile. Without it, we’re afraid your food is tainted, utter garbage.
Remember: New Yorkers are superior to you in every way.
That’s why they don’t want to greet you on the street–because they don’t want to waste their time on such a peasant. They’ve got people to see and things to do, like attend their daily “Why We’re Better” convention in the crown of the Statue of Liberty.
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